<< 14 January 2003 || 09:01 >>

i cried for a good while last night because i haven't cried about it yet. i haven't been able to. i've been talking myself out of it. but yeah, last night i broke down. i was incredibly energetic for hours, then when i was calming down, when i was getting ready to turn it, the tears started to fall, and fall they did like mad. i cried hard because i haven't cried at all yet. don't feel bad about it. i don't want you depressed on my account because that's what we're trying to avoid.

now i know why i haven't been writing in my diary at all. it's because every morning i'm used to writing to you, but today there is no letter, and that's because you've stayed out all night with your ex, that girl i dislike and who dislikes me too. i thought i remembered telling you that it was her or me but i don't know if you listened. maybe it was because i said that that you decided to break up with me.

either way, i miss you. i don't like this game because it's hard.

i'm steadily gaining weight, something i told myself i'd never let myself do. i'm going to start working out, but i'm afraid that i'll quit because i've quit every time i started before. i'm disgusted by my belly, my thighs, the backs of my arms, and my neck. i've never been insecure about myself before, and i don't know why i am now.

my boss is pushing me to finish a project written in a language i haven't learned yet, and he's not giving me anything that helps me to learn it. i'm having a terrible time, staring at blank screens for hours.

it looks like ericka is going away this weekend and i won't be able to go with her. she'll be at home, snowboarding, and i'll be here, bored, alone for four days unless somebody comes to see me. i am not looking forward to being alone with myself.

i hate this school. they serve us junkfood every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, they overcharge for stupid little things, reprimand us for staying out too late or talking to the wrong people at the wrong time. professors are self-absorbed and could care less about student progress. thank god i am not taking a class this month. i just wish i could take next term off and use my next sememster loan money to pay for two terms at a better school. i don't believe in god, and that way of thinking is sure to get you ostracized among these jesus freaks and pastor's kids. i feel very alienated just for thinking differently.

every time i turned around this weekend, my mom was reprimanding me for something or other. i came home for a hug and a cookie, and i got them from chris. when i really wanted some comfort from my mom, i got 'i told you so.'

here's to a long week.